Things the Normandy crew are not allowed to do as written by Council
by Witchweather
Summary: The Normandy crew has gotten bored now that the wars all over. The council has to set down some rules. Primarch Victus gets stuck in the middle But he was never a by the book kinda guy anyway. (Totally isn't a Victus fangirl. NOPE.) Hope you like. I might try to post more later. Disclaimer - I do not own mass effect.
1. Chapter 1

Things the Normandy crew are not allowed to do as written by Council

1\. Shepard may not be naked at C-Sec Headquarters. Ever Again.  
2\. _'Oops' _is not an appropriate response when asked to report.  
3.'Operation Irritate the Hell Out of The Councilors' is not an official mission, no matter what Garrus or Shepard have said.  
4\. Shooting things off the presidium is not allowed.  
5._'Kill everything!' _is not an effective diplomatic policy.  
6\. Neither are explosives.  
7\. The Normandy crew members may not adopt thresher maws, varren, or impressionable children.  
8\. No not even if Primarch Victus believes it to be alright.  
9\. The council does not need a report on your sex life.  
10\. Or that of your crew.  
11\. Or that of the other councilors  
12\. If they did by some chance need such a report they would not wish it to be turned in with a chart and visual aids.  
13\. You may not convince the Primarch to sign paperwork while impaired on the grounds that it will _"Make work more fun"._  
14\. When asked to report the appropriate response is not _'You can't prove a thing'_.  
15\. The normandy crew may not fire people out of any form of weaponry.  
16\. The person in charge of restocking the Normandys Coffee and Supplies is no ones _'suger daddy'. _  
17\. Victus is no longer allowed to go out for drinks with the crew of the Normandy with out supervision.  
18\. Shepard is not supervision.  
19\. nor is any person randomly pulled off the street.  
20\. The bar tender is not supervision  
21\. Aria T'lok is not supervision.  
22\. Garrus Vakarian is never to be considered supervision under any circumstance. Ever again.  
23\. Primarch Victus must be accompanied by one of his aids and his guards.  
24\. THEY MUST STAY SOBER.  
25\. In the event that that they are unavailable the Primarch is not to go drinking.  
26\. You may not kidnap Primarch Victus for any reason.  
27\. _'Taking the Primarchs body for an undisclosed amount of time.' _ is still considered kidnapping.  
28\. Stealing the Primarch is still kidnapping.  
29\. Unless there is a life or death emergency declaring Specter business does not negate these rules.  
30\. Shepard is no longer allowed to drive on the citadel.  
31\. Garrus Vakarian and James Vega may not go undercover as any form of strippers.  
32\. Clothing must be worn at all times when in public.  
33\. No matter what dare was lost.  
34\. We would prefer you wear normal clothing and not a stripper or maid outfit.  
35\. Stealing the Primarch is not the _"greatest theft ever"_ it is wrong if it happens again you **will** be brought up on charges.  
36\. We are rather certain none of you have evil twins.  
37\. Porn is not meant to be shared.  
38\. Please do not replace your commanders report with porn.  
39\. Of any type.


	2. Chapter 2

**Things the Normandy crew are not allowed to do as written by Council part two **

40\. The turian feild of honor is not to be evoked in regards to small children.  
41\. Or because some one called you fat  
42\. We know which of you were old enough to have fought in relay 314/first contact war  
43\. In regards to rules 26 - 28_ borrowing_ the Primarch makes no difference the rules are still in effect and it's still kidnapping  
44\. Kidnapping defined in regards to Primarch Victus is taking him away from his work by force without prior warning or authorization  
45\. Even if he doesn't mind  
46\. And even if it didn't involve force  
47\. Please note that you are not saving The Primarch from his paperwork As it will likely have been doubled by your antics  
48\. It is better to beg forgiveness than ask permission no longer applies to Commander Shepard.  
49\. _"It seemed like a good idea at the time"_ is not a good reason for anything  
50\. General Orka needs no encouragement in his flirtatious habits  
51\. The council Does not want to be set up on blind dates.  
52\. Not even if Victus thought it was funny  
53\. To Garrus Vakarian Tali vas Normandy and Jack the words _"Is that flammable" _are in no way a challenge  
54\. If it makes Commander Shepard giggle for more then 15 seconds it is not allowed.  
55\. If it makes Garrus Vakarian giggle we suggest you run  
56\. if it makes Zaeed M. smile it is likely illegal  
57\. Commander Shepard may not order people to undress.  
58\. I'm a biotic is not an excuse for most things  
59\. Neither is I'm a Turian  
60\. Also you should not use this excuse if you are neither.  
61\. Fire is not funny  
62\. None of you have be touched by any deity, spirit or divine anything.  
63\. Biotic tossing people because the annoy you is generally considered wrong and will cost you a fine.  
64\. Please do not stare at peoples asses in public  
65\. Even if your invisible  
66\. Sun bathing naked on the presidium is not allowed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Things the Normandy crew are not allowed to do as written by Council part three **

67\. Doctor Mordin Solus is no longer allowed near explosives without supervision.  
68\. Doctor Mordin Solus is not the love doctor  
69\. Doctor Mordin Solus is not to declare that the councilors need a sex pheromone treatment  
70\. _"Finders keepers" _Does not actually involve the Keepers  
71\. General Orka is not _"The Turian pimp "_  
72\. The councilors are not primarch Victus Bitches  
73\. _"No" _Is a complete sentence.  
74\. Victus is the Primarch not the _"Supreme Overlord"_  
75\. He does not sign paperwork under that title  
76\. _"This is Sparta!"_ is not a good way to introduce the turian councilor.  
77\. Normandy Crew members may not threaten to sick their commander on people.  
78\. The krogan are not allowed to help Mordin Solus break any rules regarding him.  
79\. Talk of ships are appropriate. Talk of _'Ships'_ are not.  
80\. Victus's proper title is_ 'primarch_' not _'my liege' _  
81\. You may not start fights over who's councilor is more awesome.  
82\. Or smarter  
83\. Or sexyer  
84\. Or would look better in fancy undergarments.  
85\. Victus is not to be called on to settle any disputes about the council. EVER.

In the fantasy world that is my mind Mordin lived, cured the genophage, and is hero to Krogan every where.  
Nobody can tell me otherwise.

Also thank you person who reminded me about Mordin. Their are so many rules he could cause._ Evil Laughter_


	4. Chapter 4

**Things the Normandy crew are not allowed to do as written by Council  
**  
86\. Men can not get pregnant that we are aware of.  
87\. You shouldn't stalk your co-workers  
89\. Or the Primarch  
98\. or the council  
90\. or random people on the street.  
100\. Don't lick people.  
101\. The cake is not a lie  
102\. Punching superior officers to _'test for reflexes'_ is not allowed.  
103\. Please remember Victus does hit back.  
104\. Not allowed to use shore leave to _'Journey to Mordor to destroy the one ring.'_  
105\. Not allowed to use shore leave to _'Take a shortcut and throw it in the black hole that is the councilors hearts.'_  
106\. Kidnapping people for a scavenger hunt is not allowed_ (Put Victus, Aria T'lok and the Generals back where you got them. NOW!)_  
107\. No not even for training purposes  
108\. None of you are to sexy for your shirt.  
109\. In reference to rules _64-66 _ no you may not sunbath naked even if you are invisible  
110\. You may not go put in public naked unless in the proper designated areas.  
111\. _'But I'm naked under my clothing.' _in no way effects this rule. If You are in fact wearing full proper clothing.  
112\. Full proper clothing means covering Your sex organs and sensitive areas. In a way that is socially alright for your species.  
113\. Full proper clothing is not body armor  
114\. Their is no such thing as invisible clothing  
115\. Their is no such thing as clothing only certain people can see.  
116\. varren are not allowed in the council room.  
117\. Chainsaws are no longer allowed on the Citadel  
118\. Hockey masks are no longer allowed on the Citadel.


	5. Chapter 5

119\. Anyone who threatens and/or attempts suicide with Diet Coke and Mentos will be admitted to a psychiatric ward for care.  
120\. Yes it still counts if you use another variety of soda.  
121\. No one is allowed to bungee jump on the citadel  
123\. The proper response to being given a mission is not_ "Do I have to?"_  
124\. Inflatable Turains do not entitle you to a pay raise. _(No not even that one of victus.)_  
125\. The Normandy crew may not refer to the Turain councilor as _"Mom"_.  
126\. The Normandy crew may not refer to Asari councilor as _"Dad"_.  
127\. The Normandy crew may not refer to the Salarian councilor as _"that crazy fucking uncle we always wanted."_  
128\. You should never try to attempt to correct the Salarians about anything.  
129\. Not allowed to use Council equipment to bootleg pornography.  
130\. There is no such thing as a were-Turian  
131\. Not allowed to operate an illegal movie studio out of the Normandy  
132\. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.  
133\. Not even if it's meant to "Improve intersperses cooperation."  
134\. The council is not interested in The Normandy "just happen" to have a kilt, an inflatable Krogan, and a box of rubber bands in it's shuttle.  
135\. Never confuse a straight soldier for a gay one. There are consequences.  
136\. The entire crew of the Normandy is not allowed to ask for the day off at the same time for due to religious purposes or on the basis that the universe is going to end today, more than once.  
137\. 24 is not the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything, and thus is not an acceptable mission status rapport.  
138\. Victus proper military title is Primarch Victus not Princess Victasia  
139\. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Council time.  
140\. May not call any politicians immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if your right.  
141\. The turian primarch is_ "Adrian Victus"_ not _"Sugar Daddy"_.  
142\. The proper response to a council order is not "Why?"  
143\. Keepers are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".  
144\. Should not show up in the council chamber wearing part of a asari commando uniform, messily drunk.  
145\. Even if the commander did it.


End file.
